Maybe I'm Insensitive, But Living With A Chinese Retard Really Got On My Nerves.

"Hi, Fadi? Hi, it's Andrew here, I'm calling about the room you advertised on Gumtree?"


"Yup, that's the one. It's still available? Great. I'd like to come round and have a look, if that's okay? Super. I'll be there. See you then. Bye."


***


"Well, it's definitely bigger than I expected. And the cupboards, desk and stuff are staying in the room? Great. Can I have a look at the kitchen?"


"No, I really like it. How many other people stay here? Whoa, that's quite a few... How many rooms in this place?"


"Really? You wouldn't say it was three floors from the outside. So you said it was a Bulgarian girl upstairs in the loft, I'd have the ground floor room with the bathroom there, and on the second floor? Aussie girl, South African girl, and a Chinese girl? A Chinese couple? Oh, really? Her and her daughter? How old is her daughter?"


"Yeah, look Fadi, I really like the room, and it's actually a bit cheaper than I was budgeting on, and this house is great, but I'm not sure... You see, I'm pretty young, I enjoy going out, coming home late quite often, having friends over, you know, a fairly young-ish lifestyle. I'm looking for house-mates who are in a similar headspace, you know? I'm just not sure if a thirty-something Chinese lady and her 16 year old daughter who barely speaks any English fit in with that."


"How often? Well, if they're hardly ever here, then I spose... And the other folk seem to be cool with it, and they've all been here a couple of months. Hell, and the room is huge for the price. Okay, no worries. I'll swing by tomorrow to look at the lease, and all the admin and probably move my stuff in over the weekend, is that cool? Great. See you then."


***
"Hey, what's up Kath. Yeah good, good; not too bad. You just get in from work? Ja, I know, took me ages as well. Hungry? I'm doing pasta. Pull up a chair"


"It's a pleasure, I always make too much any way. Um, can I ask you something? You've been staying her for a while right? Well, it's about Stephanie's daughter, Ruth. Umm, well, I've only been here a couple weeks, but, well, I've never actually seen her. Properly. She's always either going into her room or running into the bathroom whenever I'm home. I've only ever seen the back of her head, and whenever I see her she's making these weird noises, like something whistling but getting it all wrong. I don't know, it's like that chick from the Grudge, you know? I know I'm being silly, but it's just the impression that I got. Heh, yeah, I know, but still."


***


"Stephanie, just out of curiosity, have you or Ruth been using my shower? You haven't? Oh. Oh, Ruth has?"


"No, no problem, it's just that, well, pretty often when I shower the drain is really blocked up, and it's blocked with lots of hair. No, not my hair. Quite long, black hair, so I thought maybe it was you or Ruth. No, it's no biggie, I was just curious why Ruth isn't using the shower next to your room? Oh, you don't know either? OK."


***


"Stephanie, quick question... Look, I know you spoke to Ruth about using my shower, and leaving hair all over the shower and the sink, but it's kinda getting worse. When I go into the bathroom in the mornings, there's pretty much always all this hair in the drains, the sinks, even in the toilet bowls. It's a bit weird."


"Yeah, I know you said you'd speak to Ruth, but what's really bothering me is, well, you guys have your own bathroom, and I have mine, but when I go into mine almost every day I find that pretty much an entire roll of loo paper has been unrolled and thrown into the bowl. It's getting a bit irritating, and expensive, having to put on a new roll every day, never mind the issues with having a toilet that's permanently blocked up. You'll speak to her? Thanks."


***


"What the f*ck is she doing?"


"No, seriously man, what the hell? I got home just now, and all I wanted was to crack open a cold drink, plop myself onto the couch, and watch Heroes. What I get is a goddamn circus show. She just chucked eggs and a whole onion into a pan and poured a shit-ton of oil into it. Then she turned up the heat and just stood there, watching it smoking. I had to go turn the oven off, and all she did was standing there laughing and pointing. She needs some help man, seriously."


***


"20 minutes. I swear. 20 fricken minutes. She just walked to the sink, put the bowl under the tap, turned it on full and she's been standing there ever since. Singing."


"How the hell do I know what she's singing? She's singing it loudly, that's for damn sure. Listen, before I went away she was just a little quiet, a bit slow. I thought it was the language barrier. It's not! She's just plain feakin' crazy! You've seen the way she just presses her face against the TV and won't move. She pissed herself yesterday, just stood there and pissed her pants. What the hell?!"


"So she's actually under observation at a mental hospital? You're shitting me. Really? Fuuuck. This is hectic. I don't want to have to come home from work wondering how the hell I have to act around a retard. No! I'm not being callous! I'm being realistic. This house has four twenty-somethings who drink, smoke, pomp and watch TV. A sixteen year old girl with mental deficiencies should not be living her, especially in the same room as her mother. It's not right. Not for us, and damn sure not for her"


"Ruth. Ruth! RUTH! LU-THA!!!! What the screaming blue buggery are you doing? No, just put it down. Don't worry, just put it down, and go upstairs. I'll clean it up. Jeesus. It was brand new, too. God dammit."


***


"Hi, Seb? Dude, look, I was wondering, can I crash at your place for a few days? I seriously need to move..."