Tnx 4 Th Mmries.

Well this is awkward.

Turns out I’m not a well-mannered, devastatingly handsome young gentleman, like my momma always told me.

I’m actually a fairly shallow little peanut.

“Why?” they cry, in loud voices described as something ending in –y.

Well I’ll tell you: Text messages.

Sure, I’m a fan of nubile young strumpets, the coy yet vivacious (seriously, they exist) young lasses that a) are ripe for rutting and b) don’t spray me with mace when I talk to them. It’s fantastic meeting a lovely young lady, hitting it off, and having a good ol’ fashioned courtship.

But my god – Please can I meet someone that can spell better than Pippy Longstocking?

Please?

Me: “So nice meeting you tonight, can’t wait to see you again! *smiley face*” (Hey, I never said I was actually any good at this.)

Them: ‘Ja, tnx. Was awsm meetin u 2. well c u tomoro? Well kewl slp tite mwah’

I beg yours? What the holy hell-hammering bugfunk does that mean?

“Heya lass, did you get your piercing today? If you didn’t, I found really cool lizard for your tattoo that you were talking about.”

‘Nt sure if ill hv the chnce stuck at wrk at the mo will hpflly get the chance lata othawise wot u up 2?’

**SIDEBAR – In retrospect I have realised that the kind of girls I find myself dating could only get classier if I gave them a top-hat and monocle.**

So yes. All well and good getting amongst a belter of a lass, but these days I find myself wanting to belt myself in an uncomfortable place every time I open my inbox. Surely it’s not that hard to type like a normal human bean? Hell, there’s predictive text even - just keep tapping that option button, I’m sure eventually you’ll figure out that ‘really’ actually has two vowels and a spare ‘l’ when it comes in a do-it-yourself kit?

Meh.

Perhaps I’m just a crotchety ex-copywriter with less nimble fingers than Generation Y.
Hell, maybe I’m just grumpy that my Woolie crumpets went all hard in the microwave this morning.

Either way, the day I meet a cracker of a lass that can string more than two consonants together, I’m going to be the happiest little shallow peanut in the whole of Happy Peanut Land.

In the meantime, I’ll just enjoy one of the delicious biscuits Dave brought to work. I’d give you a cookie too, but I eated it.

K thnx by.