I Have Written A Joke. Call Me Mister Jokery-Pants

I refuse to do stand up. It's just not my thing. That, and the fact that the only thing less funny than me is getting so pissed you wet the bed. Not when you're asleep, I mean you're actually so pissed you just stand there and pee on the bed.

Or so I've heard...

Deep Breath. Here goes:


Far away, up to the north, even past those crooked hills, lies a watering hole, tucked away in the deep African bush.

It’s a favourite of all the animals, big and small, who love to go down to the watering hole on a hot, burning African summers day, to swim, play and cool their hides in the clear waters. Elephants, rhinos, antelope, crocodiles, zebras – from the biggest of all the big to the smallest of all the small, they swim and play. A subtle truce between all the animals, if you will…

One day, noon, the hottest day of the the hottest part of the hot part of the year, the animals are swimming and playing. When suddenly – BLAMMO!

Out from the brush on the side of the watering hole bursts a field mouse. A small, little fieldmouse. But this field mouseis no ordinary field mouse today. Oh no. his eyes are blazing, his expression set fierce! He walks right up to the edge of the watering hole, right up to the biggest, most enormousest crocodile in the watering hole and says, fierce as a fierce fieldmouse can say, ‘Mr Crocodile, GET OUT OF THE WATER!”

Mr Crocodile, in no mood to tangle with a mouse in a mood so fierce, leaps from the water. The fierce little fieldmouse loooooooks him up and down, and says (very fiercely, mind.) “Mr Crocodile, DO NOT MOVE!”

He then walks. No, he stomps, as fierce as fierce can be, does this little of all little fieldmouses, along the edge of the watering hole. Up to the biggest, most gigantivorous elephant you ever did see. He yells, (he commands!) in his fiercest tones: “Big Mr Oliphaunt! GET. OUT. OF. THE. WATER.”

Big old Mr Elephant is in no way going to tangle with such a fieldmouse in such a mood, so he leaps out of the watering hole. Our little, small yet incredibly fiercely-expressioned field mouse looooooooooks the elepaphant up and down, all around and everywhere. He says after looking the elephant all over ‘Okay, Ellie. Don’t you MOVE!’ and carries on storming around the waterhole…

But there’s this monkey.

And this monkey, being rather curious, is getting curiouser and curiouser about the extremely fierce state of this extremely little field mouse. So gingerly, carefully, and quietly, he creeps up to the fieldmouse. “Excuse me, Mr Fieldmouse sir, I can’t help but notice you’re quite the crosspatches today. You are, quite fiercely I might add, demanding these enormous animals to get out of the water on this hot hot day, and looking them up and down so fiercely. Might I enquire as to why you are in such a mood?”

“WELL!” says our little fieldmouse, in the fiercest voice he can muster...

“SOMEBODY... STOLE. MY. SPEEDO.”